It’s exactly a week. Hour to hour. That we broke up.
I have been asking myself why my ex-BF puts so much emphasis on what this 45-year-old friend thinks? So I read through Spivak, Connell, Bourdieu, Balibar, Chaudhury… and I think I have an answer.
You see, my strength is not physical. My strength is not in manipulation nor in strategy. My strength is in theory – in art, in creativity… and in the way I can give without expecting much in return. In forgetting and in forgiving and consciously trying to create a negativity free surrounding for myself. Outbursts make me feel drained, numb, emotionless, speechless. I withdraw, as in my head there’s a hive of bees swarming angrily. My strength is in my hyper focus – an ADHD trait. Which allows me to love without holding back and at the same time makes breakups far more painful and intense than it can be for neurotypicals.
I am very susceptible to manipulation and can be easily bullied. So I had to ask, why was I cornered? Why did my ex-BF choose to talk to these people and corner me, use intense emotional connection to control my behaviour, play on my personal insecurities, using social inequities to control me, lie and be passive aggressive by going into a separate room to talk to these people (who are obviously against me) behind closed doors, and then coming out and lashing out on me… why? Why is J so influenced by this virile masculinity that Hannes displayed? To me Hannes is the epitome of symbolic representation of over compensating masculinity as he has a brother who is gay. No matter how comfortable he is with that idea of gay – there’s always a historic lay-over on men his generation from Germany.
Albeit he didn’t have any physical outburst against me – but the aspect of adult bullying as a technique to ridicule and tame an assertive woman is nothing less than violence. It is a process of internalising his own inferiority and finding terms such as “radical” and “selfish” and “ego” to describe an independent woman who knows what she wants in life. My assertion – I want family. I want kids. I still don’t know how that is wrong. Apart from in Hannes’ book. As Hannes refused to have children with his GF, or start a family. But that is his choice. Why impose that on another friend? RANKED MASCULINITY.
Ranked masculinity is something that doesn’t simply affect the relationship between men and women but also between men. Hegemonic notions of masculinity – as at – they are the ones who set the social systems (how the social connections around them should function). And from this 45-year-old man I saw a German Patriarch who believes women are inferior to men in morality, knowledge and wisdom – and must be co-existing in support of their men. Of course she can work, she can meet friends but as long as her independence doesn’t hinder the man’s immediate surrounding or comfort: eine gute deutsche frau. This particular German man was overcompensating his masculinity and “schade” for J (and my) young relationship; as I was meant to be put back in place as I showed signs of being assertive. I was ridiculed, denigrated, and put back in place – as Hannes refused to apologise for his comments, his bullying, his aggressive symbolic violence!! And later influencing my ex-BF’s brother (a fellow ADD) and his partner by it.
His reasoning perhaps? She’s asking too much, if my friend does this, the relationship between us “boys” will change and he will have a family to spend time with and then what about me? I’ll be an old senile man who refused to have children. So, she must be symbolically muzzled. She’s disrupting my social surroundings with her assertion.
This man could have belonged to a radical women hating Burschenshaft in Germany and still the rest of the Burschen would look mild in comparison to him!
Analogy from Indology class with Dr. Nicolas Martin (Kinship, Gender, and Social Transformation): “Jis ki latthi, us ki bhais” – He who owns the staff owns the buffalo.
I am enraged today, knowing that my ex-BF – someone who showed me so much affection and love – couldn’t see this aspect of toxicity from his so called “best” friend, and instead of standing up for me – he manipulated and adult bullied me into a corner. This is domestic violence.
I am also enraged at the incompetency of a cop from Bern working with domestic violence cases, – who couldn’t put two and two together and see the board as it played out.
Or perhaps, my ex is exactly like Hannes. He has the need to control his GF. Manipulate women into a relationship with him by love-bombing them. And then when she is actually in love, he unleashes his true nature – making her feel trapped and helpless. Only two kind of women can survive this – 1) who is equally manipulative and toxic, uses his weaknesses and survives by being vindictive and making him equally miserable. 2) someone with a strong set of best friends and close friends – like I.
My friends took me out of my misery, reasoned with me, talked to me for hours, fed me, and put me on the right track again.
This hurts. But today… I am enraged.
** I am oscillating between anger and pain. Please educate yourself about ADHD and do not, for the love of anything good left on earth, pursue someone with ADHD (love bombing them) unless you know what you want in life. It is cruel if not inhuman – when you leave that person. Particularly when it is so damn easy for you neurotypicals to move on – overnight; while we put on a crazy brave face and fight our heartbreak… to stop aching so much. Intellectualising doesn’t help. It just hurts more to realise that it meant nothing at all. All this love, pain, effort, – it meant nothing at all. **