This was hard. Telling my boss that I am not taking holidays in June. Sigh.
He said: “I won’t ask why. But… You sure you don’t want some holidays?”
Me: “I’ll have to decide that with my friends, we wanted to go to Rome, and also London. For change of mind. So probably in June and July some weekend trips can be planned. If not, I’ll go to Mexico (alone) for December. I’ll let you know.”
Why cancel 17th June till 21st June? It was my late “Birthday gift” from my ex, so the trip was basically a refund he got that he added me on – like a tag-along to his friend’s birthday in Barcelona (also my least favourite city).
Erm. Yeah. That Birthday Gift was a bit weird. But I didn’t complain and was genuinely happy about it. But now that I look back – seriously?
Which man comes to his girlfriends’ (a woman who has to eat healthy due to stress induced diabetes and can’t eat too much starch or sugar or carbohydrate) birthday-apero (albeit casual and with her friends in the park meant as a picnic), with an Easter Bunny chocolate, bread from a client, and more sugary stuff that the woman can’t even dig into?
Ah! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want gifts but I want sensitivity towards the situation. He could have just gotten a singular flower from the damed bush growing around the tram-stop and I’d be happy!!! He knew that I can’t eat any of those stuff he “brought for me”, he knew this Birthday was a bit special cause I decided to spend my birthday with him, with people – as I usually don’t (I go away, alone), so the least I expected was either come empty handed and give me all the attention and love, or show some sensitivity after giving me hell the weekend before thanks to the 45-year-old toxic “best” friend.
When he received similar criticism from my friends – did he decide to (oh!) use the refund from a cancelled weekend with that same toxic “best” friend to “buy” an extra ticket to Barcelona? Yes! He did. Didn’t he? Such an honourable thing to do. Saved my poor soul from getting further insulted!
The Insensitive! The Scrooge! The Goody-two-shoes!
Anyhow. Holidays are cancelled. Off the work calendar. And I am positively enraged cause I was a fool to not think like other women who’d dump his sorry-ass over such discrepancy. But oh! Not me! No. No. No. Not I! The IDIOT that I am, I wasn’t thinking materialistic. I was thinking – “aww… he is trying! I love him!”
I am such an IDIOT!!!!!!!! Argh!
This hurts. To know what an idiot I am. What an idiot I have been.
**We had our closure last night over text. Honestly, I am as angry as I am sad. First, breaks heart. Then, “requests” me to hinder my healing process through writing and internalise it. Seriously J, keep your request to yourself, kindly. If you have the balls to play with women and hurt people, then have the gut to swallow and digest facts and truth being spelled out for you! Couldn’t sleep all night, and woke up with a nose block, swollen eyes, headache, and a soggy wet pillow. I didn’t cry this much since my grandma died. And I was brought up by my grandmother. I wouldn’t wish this upon my enemies. Intensity of hurt is amplified by the fact that he still excuses his toxic surroundings and tries to be the “honourable” person by taking all the wrongs done upon himself. I’m almost wondering if it truly was all his fault.**