It took me 20 days, but today was the first of many more to come, where I woke up smiling, cause I could finally fall asleep last night without missing nor expecting any texts from J.
Yesterday I received my diagnosis for that acute pain I’ve been feeling over last two months, Trochanteric Bursitis. So… kind of have to reduce exercises for a while, and therapy starts asap! This time my family doctors can’t say I have to lose weight cause as Panda puts it – “before you were half size, now you are quarter size” (while she grabbed my buttocks in the middle of Zurich HB and goes “such a cute little butt”).
She cracks me up. I’m still laughing about that.
Last night I had the apartment to self as my roommate was out on a Tinder date, after he actively cleaned the apartment.
It was refreshing to just catch up on work, listen to my records (still need to find Erykah Badu’s Baduizm on vinyl). Poochie decided to run around crazy all night long, and then she decided to scratch all my denim surfaces (yes, I have a denim couch that the Pooch has claimed) – I’ve said this before and I will say it again, my dog is a cat. She gets along better with other cats than with dogs.
I woke up to birds chirping outside my window, and plants making a perfect cocoon of greeneries hiding my balcony. And even though it’s grey and drizzling, humid air of spring-summer transition is causing a strange comfort. While sipping on my vanilla soy milk cold coffee, I feel peace.
Past three weeks my subconscious has gone through a difficult path of struggle, and as I sit here today, on my balcony, with Poochie walking a wooden plank, I realised that something inside me has forever changed.
It hit me, this realisation, as I had cold tremors due to anti-inflammatory cold gel applied over a large area – I remembered J; I associated him with discomfort, cold, pain, fear and helplessness. That. That realisation changed everything. Not just particular to J and his certain social connections, but also to my social connections. There’s a Sanskrit saying (Panchatantra, for those who study Sanskrit and Indology) that I heard from my grandfather as a kid:
आपत्काले तु संप्राप्ते यन्मित्रं मित्रमेव तत् | वृद्धिकाले तु संप्राप्ते दुर्जनोSपि सुहृद्भवेत् || महासुभषितसंग्रह
Transliteration: Aapatkāle tu smprāpte yanmītrm mītrameva tat, Vruddhikāle tu smprāpte durjanopi suhrudbhavet.
Gist as was explained to me many, many years ago during a sunny summer noon in Burdwan, while eating ripe papayas from grandpa’s garden: “Only such a person is your true friend who remains a friend even during an emergency or a bad phase of your life. Otherwise, even villainously shrewd people will behave like your friend during the period when you are reaching prosperity. In the process they will try to bring your happiness down, soil it for their own gain, and still pretend to be a good friend cause in your misery they find happiness and self validation.”
This Sanskrit text is more than 2000-year-old and people haven’t changed one bit!
Now what you define as a bad phase in your life is up to you. A loss of a parent, or a loss of love, or simply situational where everything is going wrong and you are struggling to remain afloat – would your friend stand in support of your decisions and choices, or would your friend cause you more distress through criticism of your choices, making a mess in your life – and hence push you to bend over to please them, give them their validation, and their peace of mind, – that is what defines a friend from an enemy. There are many wolves in sheepskin, only you can know the difference by actively remembering. And it takes courage to remember.
I did not forgive and forget as a good Christian, or a good Buddhist would do… I went back to my Brahmin roots. I searched for knowledge. Remembering every pain caused, every word spoken, extracting memories, facts, going through handwritten notes (as I do when intuitively an information seems important – eg. Si-Mon & afsaneh.golshifteh & Sam), and I did not forgive. But rather I allowed my grief and anger to flow. I allowed myself to feel my pain. To have courage to be self critical as much as be critical of everything that got me to this stage. I allowed my anger, grief, and realisations to run down it’s course, and finally – today, I woke up with a smile.
Here’s my philosophy, custom made to self (not for you Si-Mon, you both need to work on stop being hypocrites):
“Do not forgive but rage, rage with anger, remember with fury, cry with passion, let in the pain! Feel everything. Have courage to lose everything too, and start over again. Only then you’ll eventually reach inner peace.”