So I woke up this morning with a smile again. J not wanting me is the beginning of me trying to understand and start wanting myself. I have seen myself in nostalgia, questioned my sanity, including asking myself if I were toxic and narcissistic, and how can I change if that is the case? Through and through, a lingering thought: “If you died trying for something important, then you have both honour and courage…, you should hope for courage and try for honour…, and pray that the people telling you what to do have some (honour and courage) too.”
As I am seated here, my balcony, trying to replace lingering feelings of uncertainty, I am beginning to have courage to trust myself again, by not questioning my abilities, by realising that though I refuse to forgive a certain group of people – I have forgiven others who’ve wronged me. Therefore this has nothing to do with my anger or disappointment as much as it has to do with principles. Sigh! Sanctimonious idiot, I truly am – but that is way better than abusive.
I am beginning to realise that the only person I need to forgive is myself as I repeated the same mistake of falling for someone showing same character traits. And thus hold myself accountable for trusting a stranger – but then, isn’t falling in love that? Not fighting fear but surrendering? On sixth of May I sat thinking, ain’t I a lucky sod? I have such a lovely man! While he was meeting with this communications coach/business advisor A, and taking time to figure-out how to breakup with me! You see, he kept referring to L and himself as a separation and never a break up – I always wondered why? I was so naïve. I was working against my own well-being by trusting a covert narcissist. Thinking him to be “my human”/“my Ferdinand the Bull”. Delusional. I forgot my well-being. How could I? And there it is – me being hard on myself. So truly, J not wanting me is the beginning of me wanting myself.
Thus when time came, I didn’t fight for staying, I didn’t look up, I didn’t talk, I just quietly and quickly packed my bags and left. He came into the room couple of times, but I refused to look at him, I refused to look into his eyes, cause I knew I’d not master the strength to leave then. I had Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now on full blast – my headphones were vibrating but I didn’t care… cause deep inside something said – run! This is your chance, run! I wanted to escape.
My mind knew I had to stay far from him and his toxic connections, but it took my heart some time to catch up to reality. I showed strength at a time when I was the weakest – I don’t know where it came from, but courage, honour, honesty gave me strength to not look at him and leave. No wonder to J and Hannes, courage, honour, honesty in a woman is “radical”, “egotistical”, “selfish”. That’s on them. That’s on him. His Karma. His life. His constellation of social connections. I just need to forgive myself for putting myself through all this despite red-flags waving at my face since December!
After all, if we never try to change our mindsets (axioms) we will never truly know happiness and thus, success. So it’s truly time. It’s time to be brave and cultivate some positivity back into my life.
So, on a positive vibe – I’m looking forward to having brunch with my friends in Winterthur. Some people bring so much joy to our lives with their honesty, sincerity and kindness, that it is almost impossible not to feel giddy and love them back. That’s how I feel about my closest people. About my constellation of closest friends. I think I am a sucker for people who are kind, intelligent, courageous, sharp, and honourable. I want them around me for I subconsciously look up to them. No matter their age. Most men like J and Hannes will call them radical, yet these are my people – they work hard to do the right thing. My close circle of friends. Reminds me everyday how much their love, maturity, kindness and support mean to me. How grateful I feel to have them in my life.
My closet friends have courage to do what they love doing, kindness to not deliberately hurt others, and discipline to act out of honour and honesty. It truly reminds me of Michael [narrating his essay] in the movie – Blind Side: “Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on any dumb idea or mistake, but you’re not supposed to question …[people who make] the rules. Maybe they know best, maybe they don’t. It all depends on who you are, where you come from (…). That’s why courage is tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you are doing something – I mean, any fool can have courage. But honour, that’s the real reason you either do something or you don’t. It’s who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you died trying for something important, then you have both honour and courage. And that’s pretty good. I think that’s what the writer was saying. That you should hope for courage and try for honour. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do, have some too.”