Day 23

Listen. Sometimes it’s important to let go of your personal morals, your high horse.

As at, trying to save others in my case.

Let them bumble-fuck – why do I even care to redeem them? Let people laugh at their idiocy, let others see through their stupidity and lies and 1000 shades of Yellow. ‘Cause you know what? People who need saving know that they do and they will reach out. Trying to change. Asking you to save them and not manipulating you with little lies and attacks to soil your good name nor give you silent treatment cause they lack courage to come forward and tell you the truth.

To take ownership of truth/your own mistakes; this is the hardest damn thing to acquire, and it needs/takes a certain sense of propriety and character to do so. Character? Well… it truly is – courage: courage that honesty and honour put together.

——

It broke my heart as I sat in the train to Aarau after a few drinks with a dear friend. Hearing this stranger, this woman with an earful of Russian accent, telling “Carl” over the phone that tonight she can’t make it to him. #BootyCallDodged

She tells him that she believes that there’s some good Italian restaurant in Lugano. “I believe it exists, I’m sure it exists, why you not see it exist, listen Carl, I want to eat at a good Italian restaurant – I know it exists… but if you want the best… I know it exist at my mom…” silence… disappointed – “no?”… nervous giggles… “let’s find something”. (Just so you know she is teaching me how to coax men by now – cause heaven knows I’m incapable of this sort of “strategic” communication!)

She said “Lugano”. Trigger.

We went to Lugano. 13th May. It was beautiful. On the 16th he dumped me.

“Listen Carl, I know how it was your first and last time… it was terrible… I can with pleasure to remember you. With pleasure!!!”

I wish I knew how to do this… hell! I even look crazy if I try to batter my eye-lashes at some stranger! I’m hopeless when it comes to flirting and God knows if someone doesn’t specify it’s a date – I’ll be like “yo buddy/bro – what’s y’up to?!?! Wanna hang!?! Just hang… nothing else!”

____

Listen J, it is not without pain I’ll remember you if I go to my favourite restaurant in Lugano. Cause I took you there. But somewhere down the line as I’ll enjoy my seafood, by myself, I will also remember your lies. And thus have strength to believe that the only person to love me the way I want and be honest to me… would be me. Maybe… not physically… long live dildos… however, emotionally I’ll trust me more. Thank you for showing me that though I am not unlovable – I am not meant for relationships/“love”. No man can handle me and I am fine that way. Truly I am. Cause I can handle myself. For better or for worse, in health and in sickness, even death can’t do me part (from myself).

___

“What’s your status?” – my aunt asked this noon.

“Single. Not looking to mingle. Maybe happy to be alone… I won’t stray from reality or wanting to stare blankly at morons” – I replied.

She grumbled. “You can get any man you want…”

“In your world yes. Not in mine.” – I replied.

End of conversation.

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